That "The Immortals of Meluha" is a #1 national bestseller should spark off an agitation where every book lover in India should fast until they are mummified.
Here's a quick summary of my quick read-through...
Page 1 - 4: Tribal leader Shiva standing near Manasarovar smokes marijuana (without any discernible effect). As he walks back to his hut the author marvels that the huts of this village are more luxurious than others in the region - a grown man can stand up inside one of them. Yeah, because no one else wants to die of the @#&^$% cold. Low roofs serve a purpose, dingbat. (In my defense, this was still page 2 or 3 - I was expecting world-building).
The tribe gets an invitation to immigrate (I kid you not) to Meluha, the "richest and most powerful empire" in the world. Apparently once there, they can pay their taxes and nothing more is asked of them. One suspects from the blurb that there is a hidden agenda. Oooh... intriguing!
By Page 4, because of another attack of the kind Shiva has spent his whole freaking life defending against, the whole tribe decides to move. They tell him "your decision is our decision". Yay! (For the record, Tarzan had to work harder to get his apes to peel bananas for him).
Page 4 - 15: After fighting another raid by the rival tribe on their caravan - every time there is an attack, Shiva cries out in ALL CAPS - "POSITIONS!" and "TO ARMS!" etc, all very rousing - they make it to Srinagar, in the valley of Kashmir, and marvel at how the whole city is built on a platform. Kewlio.
They are led to the "Foreigner's Office" (I kid you not), and meet their Orientation Executive Chitraangadh (I kid you not... you know what, just keep telling yourself I'm not kidding through this rant. Saves me typing). The Orientation Executive (sic.) tells them he is their Single Point of Contact (Yes, the author had a day job he really shouldn't have quit)... and then finally...
Page 16: There is this nugget of not-quite-gold:
"If you are free right now, I can give you instructions" said Ayurvati (the doctor, with a gaggle of nurses with her)
"I am free right now," said Shiva with a straight face, "but might have to charge you later"
Bhadra giggles, and apparently, Ayurvati doesn't like the "pun".
TO QUIT READINGS!!!
This then was the legendary point I gave up reading, but a glance told me I was missing some appreciation of Srinagar's underground drainage system on the next page. Too bad it wasn't efficient enough to flush this amazingly crappy pile of crap down it.
Hear me now, anyone who defends this book in response to this post shall feel my wrath. I may come to your house, tie you in a chair and make you watch that infernal book trailer till your eyes bleed. I will also brand you a moron and be very indelicate about tracing your ancestry back to @#^%$%# Shiva.
No seriously, I've read Austin Powers movie adaptations - screw that, I've seen porn with better language and gravitas...
Amish Tripathi, I know you not, but have no hesitation in saying sir, that you are a moron. Don't subject more of your writing on this world. We aren't ready!
I would also like any lawyers reading this to advise me if I can sue the nuts off of the reviewer in the Hindu, whose futile brain gave the following review of the book: "... has philosophy as its underlying theme but is racy enough to give its readers the adventure of a lifetime". Actually, scratch that... any moron who thinks "racy" as an adjective refers to the pace of the plot deserves to read this book. And maybe watch Jism 2 in a seat next to Mahesh Bhatt, who can provide live non-Director's commentary.
In closing, I would like to give myself a bravery award for lasting 16 pages. I think I have PTSD now... and I would like to dedicate that award to my sister, who finished the book, but then she's used to watching similar fare (Chota Bheem) on TV all the time because of her kids, and had built up the resistance for it...
/rant
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